*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.