me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I hope it’s French Onion!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic