we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
New favorite tiktok
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me My dog
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
o shit
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.