Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
When you kidnap a writer.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.