An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
You Might Also Like
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Cndnsd Mlk
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.