‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Lmfao
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless