If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance đź‘Ť
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MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
This is me 🤣🤣
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.