♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I finally found a reason to live again.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog