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“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave