Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
im all 3