I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Is this you?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist