Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
79.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.