i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
are there any atheist mantises?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.