Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
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The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
U talkin 2 me?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!