For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
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My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”