so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Hamburger Hinderer.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said 鈥淚 gotta show you this girl she鈥檚 your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I鈥檒l either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren鈥檛 you?
Me: Yes
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don鈥檛 care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn鈥檛 ask for my number*
馃ゴ
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: I鈥檓 so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My first son he is wonderful
I would never bite my own toenails. That鈥檚 so disgusting. I only bite other people鈥檚 toenails.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I鈥檝e put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I鈥檓 gonna be sore tomorrow.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what鈥檚 wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it鈥檚 ok I couldn鈥檛 see my shoes but they鈥檙e on my feet
Me: *cries*
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand