Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
im all 3
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee