I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
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Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
That lamp looks PISSED.
New favorite tiktok
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens