I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Why I divorced her.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
tourist season
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏