I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I just tested negative for patience.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”