Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.