Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Tremendous stuff
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”