Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.