As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
i baked you a cake
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries