Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
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One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one