[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
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My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.