huge if true: the moon
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes