MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.