[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck