Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
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My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”