when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.