[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Look at this
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT