Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
That’s fair
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?