My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
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To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air