Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.