Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
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Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If a snake ate a cake
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
With this onion ring, I thee fed
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back