My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
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“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
White parent Vs Arab parents
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I really had high hopes for this year though
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.