Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
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Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.