I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
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person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.