Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
haha same
…u ok Nintendo?
When they try to steal your moment.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean