Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
What?!?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I think my mom just blocked me
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”