[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
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13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.