what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
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Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I like crazy people until they notice me
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.