Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
それは草
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”