Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
The struggle is real
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.