*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
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Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise