If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
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Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.