Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
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8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.