My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
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Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
*puts cutlery down*
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.