Poetry is my passion
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Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
San Francisco has too many rules
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Did my cat write this
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito